Pick a number between 109 and 111

The end of the year is winding down. And I’m currently in a pile of papers, projects, presentations, and exams. Yet its 2 am on a monday night and I’m writing this blog because my mind cant keep still enough to do anything productive. Do you ever have days like that? Days, or nights, where no matter what you’re working on, or trying to do your mind is always elsewhere. Thats how my monday has been all day. Its probably because I’m a female and my emotions are on a strong dose of crazy. So I’m going to talk about a few of those things clouding my mind today, its also another chance to let you get to know me a little better.
1) Brisk midnight air in early spring is my favorite to walk in. It seems to clear my head more than normal air during the day.
2) Figuring out if youre ready for a relationship is complicated. Are you too independent? Too selfish? Do you have the ability to really trust someone like that? Are you even sure you can let someone in enough to develop a serious relationship?
3) People change. And it sucks.
4) I hate disappointing people. I hate telling people no, or not feeling the same way they do about something. I also hate lying… so I usually end updisappointing people. Its kind of a lose lose situation.
5) There are some things im just not going to ever talk about. If I’m feeling pressured to talk about them, I runaway.
6) There is no place on earth you can fully escape your problems. Most of them are in your head.

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And thats what its like..

Depression is one of the hardest things to explain to someone who has never felt it. They have never felt so lost, so sad, so unmotivated to do anything. I am one person who has dealt with depression for some time now, and this year i finally got the courage to do something about it. A couple weeks ago, it was suggested to me to try anti-depressants. In that moment, i was somewhat relieved, and disappointed. I felt relief because I finally had confirmation that what was going through my head was real, and was finally diagnosed as something. And then, I was disappointed because I never thought I would be someone who would have to take ‘happy pills’. But if its a chemical¬†imbalance in the brain, how could I have helped that? Its funny… depression never feels like its the chemicals in your brain that are off. It makes you feel like you as a whole is off. Before I started medication i wrote another poem in my journal. Its about my feeling of depression, and what it feels like to me. Maybe if you have had experience with depression, you will understand. But my hope is that even those of you that haven’t, will start to understand too.

Do you want to know what its like?
What its like to be me?
I can try to put it into words,
But rather, let me paint it a picture.

Close your eyes and listen to me,
Put image to what I paint in your head.
No matter the strength it takes to breathe,
Just imagine, imagine you’re like me.

Now let the darkness surround you,
Not a spec of light to guide you.
Please, let the silence consume you,
Scream, there’s no echo of pain.

You are lost in a sea of darkness.
There’s no sure way of how to escape.
But you’re lost, running scared,
You’re running out of breath.

With no light for guidance,
And no sound to scream in fear,
No one sees it, No one hears you.
It’s like you’re running in circles.

Only you can pull yourself out,
But you haven’t the slightest idea how.
Keep running, keep screaming,
I just hope your breath doesn’t run out.

Monday Feelings.

You ever feel like the only way your day could get any worse is if a flaming torpedo fell from the sky and it didnt hit you, but landed right beside you? Enough for you to feel the impact, and the heat from the flames but it  didnt actually hit you?

The impact of a flaming torpedo falling from the sky would probably kill you. Maybe thats how bad your day is going though. It would just be a reminder that not even the universe wanted you to have an easy way out of your shitty day, and that nothing is going to change that.

Maybe its a monday thing, or maybe its a depression thing. Theres so much to do this week, and so much to do and catch up on before finals. Its just a Monday feeling.