I haven’t got it all figured out quite yet…

Warning: I’m frustrated, and bored at work. So Im going to rant.

I have been away from school not even a week, and I haven’t figured out how I’m going to last a year away. I miss being around people. I am used to having 6 wonderful roommates and now i just live in my grandparent’s basement. I don’t do well when I’m alone. It gives me too much time to think. I keep thinking that I’m missing out on my senior year. That everything is going to get fucked up. What if i dont come back? But what I’m mostly afraid of is what if people were happy I left and moved out of their house? I have never been one to cause drama and yet, all the drama seems to be centered around me this summer. I have hurt people, and that kills me. Then I think maybe everyone would be better off if I were just not around.
I’m not good at making friends, How do i make friends in this place? I dont have many friends from high school, and the ones i did manage to keep aren’t around, or aren’t allowed to speak to me for one reason or another.
I’m afraid of turning to drugs and alcohol to cope with all of this that I’m feeling. I’m afraid of what will happen when I am taken off of my depression medication because I cant go to the Health Center for free at school anymore. Not that I feel completely better, or even remotely happy. But if I feel this bad now, how much worse will it get? I might just lose myself.
The job that has kept me busy all summer is coming to an end, and then I have to find another. Which isnt a huge deal, I can find one, but how long will that take? How many days am I going to be just sitting home alone, broke? And how many days can i deal with that before I lose my sanity?
People often ask me why Im not in a relationship, and the only answer I have has been answered above. I have so many questions that I cant even answer about myself, and they seem to be the only ones I can focus on. How am i supposed to focus on a relationship too? And what exactly is love going to solve? Is it going to magically cure me of my insecurities? Is it going to stop the racing thoughts that keep me up at night? It is going to make me want to stay where I am? I dont think it will fix anything, but rather it will just make things worse because it will be one more thing i have to worry about maintaining.
I’m already maintaining the facade that I have for so many people. That one that is me laughing and making jokes and pretending like I dont care what you think. Deep down, I’m hurt and i feel incurable, that this disease I have will have a hold of me forever, and that i will never be fully satisfied with my life. I always seem to have the answers to other people problems but i dont have the slightest idea of how to solve my own, I dont even know where to start.
I’m sure this post is crazy jumbled and hard to follow, imagine this post times 1,000 inside your head at night, then try to sleep.
Also, I have killed 6 ants in my office today. It’s annoying.


August Heat.


Life Update:

Its been a while since I’ve written anything, my life has been kind of hectic I guess you could say. I wrote this last night, its short but its the perfect kind of thing to explain how things have been going for me.

I’m stuck, but I’m falling.
feeling smothered into lonliness.
My drive to live is in reverse,
thinking not even love can fix this.

I have made a lot of mistakes this summer. I would take all of them back if I could. I have hurt people who are close to me, and now… I guess people who were close to me. I have been selfish, and stubborn. I have been relentless. Sometimes those things are good. They are what help you get ahead, but I just dug myself into a deeper hole.
I am having to take a year off of school because of financial reasons, so I came to live with my Grandma out in the middle of the country. Maybe this fresh air will do me some good. Hopefully I can grow as a person, and fix those problems with people that I have hurt.