I haven’t got it all figured out quite yet…

Warning: I’m frustrated, and bored at work. So Im going to rant.

I have been away from school not even a week, and I haven’t figured out how I’m going to last a year away. I miss being around people. I am used to having 6 wonderful roommates and now i just live in my grandparent’s basement. I don’t do well when I’m alone. It gives me too much time to think. I keep thinking that I’m missing out on my senior year. That everything is going to get fucked up. What if i dont come back? But what I’m mostly afraid of is what if people were happy I left and moved out of their house? I have never been one to cause drama and yet, all the drama seems to be centered around me this summer. I have hurt people, and that kills me. Then I think maybe everyone would be better off if I were just not around.
I’m not good at making friends, How do i make friends in this place? I dont have many friends from high school, and the ones i did manage to keep aren’t around, or aren’t allowed to speak to me for one reason or another.
I’m afraid of turning to drugs and alcohol to cope with all of this that I’m feeling. I’m afraid of what will happen when I am taken off of my depression medication because I cant go to the Health Center for free at school anymore. Not that I feel completely better, or even remotely happy. But if I feel this bad now, how much worse will it get? I might just lose myself.
The job that has kept me busy all summer is coming to an end, and then I have to find another. Which isnt a huge deal, I can find one, but how long will that take? How many days am I going to be just sitting home alone, broke? And how many days can i deal with that before I lose my sanity?
People often ask me why Im not in a relationship, and the only answer I have has been answered above. I have so many questions that I cant even answer about myself, and they seem to be the only ones I can focus on. How am i supposed to focus on a relationship too? And what exactly is love going to solve? Is it going to magically cure me of my insecurities? Is it going to stop the racing thoughts that keep me up at night? It is going to make me want to stay where I am? I dont think it will fix anything, but rather it will just make things worse because it will be one more thing i have to worry about maintaining.
I’m already maintaining the facade that I have for so many people. That one that is me laughing and making jokes and pretending like I dont care what you think. Deep down, I’m hurt and i feel incurable, that this disease I have will have a hold of me forever, and that i will never be fully satisfied with my life. I always seem to have the answers to other people problems but i dont have the slightest idea of how to solve my own, I dont even know where to start.
I’m sure this post is crazy jumbled and hard to follow, imagine this post times 1,000 inside your head at night, then try to sleep.
Also, I have killed 6 ants in my office today. It’s annoying.

August Heat.

Image

Life Update:

Its been a while since I’ve written anything, my life has been kind of hectic I guess you could say. I wrote this last night, its short but its the perfect kind of thing to explain how things have been going for me.

I’m stuck, but I’m falling.
feeling smothered into lonliness.
My drive to live is in reverse,
thinking not even love can fix this.

I have made a lot of mistakes this summer. I would take all of them back if I could. I have hurt people who are close to me, and now… I guess people who were close to me. I have been selfish, and stubborn. I have been relentless. Sometimes those things are good. They are what help you get ahead, but I just dug myself into a deeper hole.
I am having to take a year off of school because of financial reasons, so I came to live with my Grandma out in the middle of the country. Maybe this fresh air will do me some good. Hopefully I can grow as a person, and fix those problems with people that I have hurt.

When life gives you lemons…

You gotta make yourself some lemon drop shots…

CHECKLIST:
Junior year of college: check
find a summer job: check
move into new house: half-check
register for summer class: check
think uncontrollable amounts: check
prepare for next school year: _____

Have you ever started walking but then it started raining so you just turned around? Or do you decide stay out in the rain?

I took a walk tonight, and it started raining… I chose to keep walking. This is what happens in life a lot. When situations are tough, do you run away and hide? Or do you face them head on? Which ones make you run? And which ones do you have the strength to stand up to? The answer is different for each and every one of us.

I think many thoughts while I walk, and this is what I came up with tonight, I wanted to share with you all. Because maybe, after all, i only need someone to understand..

Pick a number between 109 and 111

The end of the year is winding down. And I’m currently in a pile of papers, projects, presentations, and exams. Yet its 2 am on a monday night and I’m writing this blog because my mind cant keep still enough to do anything productive. Do you ever have days like that? Days, or nights, where no matter what you’re working on, or trying to do your mind is always elsewhere. Thats how my monday has been all day. Its probably because I’m a female and my emotions are on a strong dose of crazy. So I’m going to talk about a few of those things clouding my mind today, its also another chance to let you get to know me a little better.
1) Brisk midnight air in early spring is my favorite to walk in. It seems to clear my head more than normal air during the day.
2) Figuring out if youre ready for a relationship is complicated. Are you too independent? Too selfish? Do you have the ability to really trust someone like that? Are you even sure you can let someone in enough to develop a serious relationship?
3) People change. And it sucks.
4) I hate disappointing people. I hate telling people no, or not feeling the same way they do about something. I also hate lying… so I usually end updisappointing people. Its kind of a lose lose situation.
5) There are some things im just not going to ever talk about. If I’m feeling pressured to talk about them, I runaway.
6) There is no place on earth you can fully escape your problems. Most of them are in your head.

And thats what its like..

Depression is one of the hardest things to explain to someone who has never felt it. They have never felt so lost, so sad, so unmotivated to do anything. I am one person who has dealt with depression for some time now, and this year i finally got the courage to do something about it. A couple weeks ago, it was suggested to me to try anti-depressants. In that moment, i was somewhat relieved, and disappointed. I felt relief because I finally had confirmation that what was going through my head was real, and was finally diagnosed as something. And then, I was disappointed because I never thought I would be someone who would have to take ‘happy pills’. But if its a chemical imbalance in the brain, how could I have helped that? Its funny… depression never feels like its the chemicals in your brain that are off. It makes you feel like you as a whole is off. Before I started medication i wrote another poem in my journal. Its about my feeling of depression, and what it feels like to me. Maybe if you have had experience with depression, you will understand. But my hope is that even those of you that haven’t, will start to understand too.

Do you want to know what its like?
What its like to be me?
I can try to put it into words,
But rather, let me paint it a picture.

Close your eyes and listen to me,
Put image to what I paint in your head.
No matter the strength it takes to breathe,
Just imagine, imagine you’re like me.

Now let the darkness surround you,
Not a spec of light to guide you.
Please, let the silence consume you,
Scream, there’s no echo of pain.

You are lost in a sea of darkness.
There’s no sure way of how to escape.
But you’re lost, running scared,
You’re running out of breath.

With no light for guidance,
And no sound to scream in fear,
No one sees it, No one hears you.
It’s like you’re running in circles.

Only you can pull yourself out,
But you haven’t the slightest idea how.
Keep running, keep screaming,
I just hope your breath doesn’t run out.

Monday Feelings.

You ever feel like the only way your day could get any worse is if a flaming torpedo fell from the sky and it didnt hit you, but landed right beside you? Enough for you to feel the impact, and the heat from the flames but it  didnt actually hit you?

The impact of a flaming torpedo falling from the sky would probably kill you. Maybe thats how bad your day is going though. It would just be a reminder that not even the universe wanted you to have an easy way out of your shitty day, and that nothing is going to change that.

Maybe its a monday thing, or maybe its a depression thing. Theres so much to do this week, and so much to do and catch up on before finals. Its just a Monday feeling.

Ghost of high school’s past.

I have recently turned 21, a little less than a month ago. Maybe its because im wiser, or because I was just home for spring break. But it really made me think about things.

Growing up in a small town(s) for me was hard. I’ve found that I am not close with many of my friends from High School anymore. I have always wondered why. Its not because of the distance, I am only about 45 miles from ‘home’. I slowly came to realize its probably because I was never really myself in high school. I have explained in earlier posts about how I have a twin sister, and all through school I always thought people liked her more.. whether it was because she was prettier, skinnier, more outgoing, nicer… whatever. So I tried being like her in a way I guess. As much as I would let myself be anyway. As soon as I got to college and I didnt have to do that anymore, I realized thats probably why I am not close with many people from my hometown anymore… Because I was never really myself.

I changed a lot in my first year of college, some ways were for the better and some ways for the worse. But one thing that stayed constant was that voice telling me that my twin sister was always going to be better. Every time I went home I saw signs of it… Things i thought were signs. Things like people would never come over to hang out when it was just me at home but as soon as she came home they were over in a heartbeat. The fact that when we were invited out, she was always asked.. and I was just dragged along with. Every time I went home I kind of ‘relapsed’ back into the nobody I felt I was in high school, whether this was true or not.

But this weekend things changed. It was spring break, and since I was broke my roommate and I decided to just go to each others houses for a couple days to steal our parents food and what not. Since just turning 21 I had my mom and her boyfriend take me and my roommate out to the bars in Henry. I had gone to them a couple times before with my mom (not being served of course) and didn’t think this time would be any different… but it was. One of the bars we went to there were a lot of kids I went to high school with. I didn’t really expect anyone to pay attention to me, so i ordered a couple drinks and went out to dance with my roommate.  I decided to just have fun and be myself… Then i had a few people come up and talk to me that I probably havent talked to in over a year at least… if ever. It was strange… something that has never really happened to me before without my sister being there. I said hi to a few people and didn’t think much of it until I got home. One of my good friends from high school texted me and was saying how he saw such a change in me, like I had really found myself. He said it was a great thing to see.

Thats when I realized i wasted 4 years of my life being someone I wasn’t. And for what? To feel like shit for years? To doubt everything I do in fear it wont be good enough for someone? I look back on it now… and even though it was only 3 years ago, it feels like decades. I wish I could go back and just be comfortable with who I really am. Then again, maybe I needed to go through that to become who I am today. Who knows.

Its experiences like that, that really make me love life. Its those few hours where I can finally feel accepted, or free, or truly happy, or whatever. They are rare. But to me those feelings are the best in the world. When life is so tough, and you feel like giving up.. there is nothing better than to have a moment like that and know that your life is still worth it, and to keep going because there are more moments like this waiting to happen. You just have to smile at the world and keep moving.

To the creative listeners…

(& that is easier said than done.)

I wanted to discuss one thing today. One thing that can mean many things actually. CREATIVITY. Many people may jump straight to words like artist, designer, writer, etc.. but to me its so much more. I see creativity in many aspects of my life. One thing I can’t get enough of is music.

Yes, I am one of those people who walk around campus with my ipod blasting on my way to class. Many people have called out my name and I appear to be ignoring them because I cant hear them over the music. Some people dont understand this because they like to be social and talk to people for whatever reason. Maybe its because I lost most my faith in the human race long ago, but I look forward to my walk to class everyday. Those few minutes it takes me to walk to class with my favorite lyrics singing in my ear are the only minutes of my life, where my reality kind of disappears and I get that escape. For those few minutes the world disappears and its just me, and for those bad days those few minutes are the only sane ones I get.

If we want to talk about the creative people in the world who aren’t afraid of being wrong, I believe they are song writers, and the bands who sing about what everyone else is afraid to say. I admire them. If i had the slightest ounce of musical talent, I would be right there with them… Singing, or playing guitar. Sadly I have never been able to sing well (not that I dont sing), or learned to play guitar. But either way, listening to music is just as freeing if you cant perform. Maybe its not the same for you, but when I listen to be favorite band, I like to live vicariously through the band. Maybe I am a freak, and no one else does that. If you don’t, I highly suggest you try.

Music says what words can’t.

Curious folks need apply.

(truth)

I thought I would use this opportunity to just share a few things about myself.

1.) I believe in treating everyone with respect, and in a friendly manner until they have done me wrong. I have had many friends who haven’t exactly had the best opinions of someone else for whatever reason. I don’t care. Unless someone has burned me I strongly believe that I have no right to judge them on the stories I have heard from others. Behind every person is a story, and that story made them who they are for better or worse.

2.) Im a very hard person to really get to know. I have no problem making casual friends, I can almost always have a conversation with anyone and get along with them, mostly because of my first point. BUT anything more than that, anything that actually makes me open up is VERY rare. There have been a few people in my life that I do trust enough to open up to. If you are one of those people, you are one of those people for life.

3.) My friends consider me as an artist, I do not. I am going to school for Graphic Design, and yes if you give me an assignment I can do it and get it done fairly quickly. Maybe its because i don’t see what I do as good work. I am surrounded by amazing artists everyday, whether its classmates, professors, or professionals on the internet. Their work is better, and I can see that. I am not to the point where my work pleases me, its just something I have a passion for and that I enjoy doing.

4.) I value honesty more than anything. One way to lose me as a friend fast is lying. I believe in always telling the truth, and if you feel bad about it then you can sugar coat it if you please. The truth hurts, and sometimes its hurts so hard you don’t want to get out of bed the next day. Its still the truth, after a while you can accept it and move on instead of living a lie you don’t even know exists. I try to always tell the truth, and I value the people who do the same to me. The people who i believe are honestly telling me the truth are the ones I allow to be closest to me. Mostly because they aren’t afraid to tell me when Im being stupid.

Captivated Feelings


I wanted to share a poem I wrote late at night in my journal. Its personal, and raw with emotion. My emotions, much like a lot of every word I write in my journal.

Sidenote: Its not a silly jr. high kind of boy obsessed journal. Most entries just help me get out what i wish i could say to other people, and what i would never dare tell anyone else. Its the one place I can be completely me.

Fortress

I’ve built a fortress around me,
a place I can be alone with my thoughts.
Its scary and dark and lonely,
but too much to let another inside.

Every man that enters, runs away in fear.
Scared I’m the girl who cant be cured.
Because my thoughts are deafening,
yet so quiet not even a dog could hear.

Ive locked all doors and boarded the windows,
as though to fool everyone with my facade.
My days are never ending, my nights even longer,
because my thoughts are self destructing.

My faith is ever shaking, though not much is breaking.
This disease is my fortress, captive I am held.
Its like my thoughts are binding,
dragging me neither here nor there, but everywhere.

For a rescue i could hope,
But a hopeless hope is that.
Not the strongest man could drag me out,
I’m bound until I fall.


So I’m no poet by any means, but these words mean something to me. Maybe because they are me. The me no one sees.