Ghost of high school’s past.

I have recently turned 21, a little less than a month ago. Maybe its because im wiser, or because I was just home for spring break. But it really made me think about things.

Growing up in a small town(s) for me was hard. I’ve found that I am not close with many of my friends from High School anymore. I have always wondered why. Its not because of the distance, I am only about 45 miles from ‘home’. I slowly came to realize its probably because I was never really myself in high school. I have explained in earlier posts about how I have a twin sister, and all through school I always thought people liked her more.. whether it was because she was prettier, skinnier, more outgoing, nicer… whatever. So I tried being like her in a way I guess. As much as I would let myself be anyway. As soon as I got to college and I didnt have to do that anymore, I realized thats probably why I am not close with many people from my hometown anymore… Because I was never really myself.

I changed a lot in my first year of college, some ways were for the better and some ways for the worse. But one thing that stayed constant was that voice telling me that my twin sister was always going to be better. Every time I went home I saw signs of it… Things i thought were signs. Things like people would never come over to hang out when it was just me at home but as soon as she came home they were over in a heartbeat. The fact that when we were invited out, she was always asked.. and I was just dragged along with. Every time I went home I kind of ‘relapsed’ back into the nobody I felt I was in high school, whether this was true or not.

But this weekend things changed. It was spring break, and since I was broke my roommate and I decided to just go to each others houses for a couple days to steal our parents food and what not. Since just turning 21 I had my mom and her boyfriend take me and my roommate out to the bars in Henry. I had gone to them a couple times before with my mom (not being served of course) and didn’t think this time would be any different… but it was. One of the bars we went to there were a lot of kids I went to high school with. I didn’t really expect anyone to pay attention to me, so i ordered a couple drinks and went out to dance with my roommate.  I decided to just have fun and be myself… Then i had a few people come up and talk to me that I probably havent talked to in over a year at least… if ever. It was strange… something that has never really happened to me before without my sister being there. I said hi to a few people and didn’t think much of it until I got home. One of my good friends from high school texted me and was saying how he saw such a change in me, like I had really found myself. He said it was a great thing to see.

Thats when I realized i wasted 4 years of my life being someone I wasn’t. And for what? To feel like shit for years? To doubt everything I do in fear it wont be good enough for someone? I look back on it now… and even though it was only 3 years ago, it feels like decades. I wish I could go back and just be comfortable with who I really am. Then again, maybe I needed to go through that to become who I am today. Who knows.

Its experiences like that, that really make me love life. Its those few hours where I can finally feel accepted, or free, or truly happy, or whatever. They are rare. But to me those feelings are the best in the world. When life is so tough, and you feel like giving up.. there is nothing better than to have a moment like that and know that your life is still worth it, and to keep going because there are more moments like this waiting to happen. You just have to smile at the world and keep moving.